The first week of October is focused on mental illness awareness. Being Mary Jane’s episode, Ugly Truth, highlighted mental illness and the preconceived notions people have surrounding it this week and it inspired me to write. Depression is real. Suicide is real. Learn to show the people you love, that you can and will love them at their ugliest. Many times it is when they need your love the most.
UGLY TRUTH, MY CONVERSATIONS WITH DARKNESS
My divorce shouldn’t break me,
because I chose to leave?
What no one sees is that love left me,
before I ever moved out physically.
People say, “You are better off without him,you will be ok”.
But I miss being loved by somebody,
Even if that love came with pain.
“Be happy single, you need to learn to be alone.” But alone at night, is when
my head thinks too much,
and my heart feels too much,
and I don’t sleep much.
My conversations with Darkness are too long,
My conversations with loved ones too short.
I reach out to be heard, needing their support.
But they have heard it all before,
so they refuse to listen to it anymore.
This great job that supports me financially ,
is causing enough stress to destroy me.
Emotional eating has my weight continuing to inflate.
I’m good for getting sex but not a date.
And at some point even that became ok.
I’m trying to remain positive, but some days I’m just not ok.
And I know I have the power to change,
but I feel so powerless most days.
I want to be better but sometimes the heartbreak wins.
And I feel like an emotional burden to my friends. They invite me to hang out, but I only have the energy to stay in.
Then I met you and you were too good to be true.
I couldn’t love me, so I sought my self-love from you.
I cling to my new boo because you stand between me and my pain.
With you it’s not a hurricane, just a little rain.
As long as you promise to stay, I can camouflage the pain.
But that weight is heavy, and I know you don’t want to carry it.
So I pretend to be happy,
Crack some jokes and keep it light and friendly
But then darkness comes and I can’t breathe.
And I’m tired of seeing the impatience in your eyes,
as you wait for me to grow wise,
that this transition is not my demise,
it just feels like hell most times.
My mood swings are wider than the Grand Canyon, and my anger seems random,
and my sadness seems so over dramatic it’s maddening.
I’m too sensitive. Why don’t I have the strength to over come?
My inner me is my enemy and it speaks defeat.
I try to self motivate and say get past this mess please.
I’m trying I scream…but my demons don’t leave.
Going to church, and folks say,
I just need to pray.
Tricks of the devil, results of me lacking faith.
Now I feel guilty, weak minded and ashamed.
I’m ashamed that I’m depressed because I am so blessed.
I stretch for God, but I can’t feel him, because I feel condemned.
And I try to pray all this ugliness away.
My broken heart and damaged soul,
my distrustful nature,
my fear of being alone.
I have thought about therapy,
but that thought petrifies me,
because I don’t want society to stigmatize me,
and for my family to call me crazy.
They promised to never leave, but they didn’t expect it to be this heavy.
So when loving me while I was ugly, made me too heavy,
they dropped me.
And that’s when the Darkness took over.