About 8 months ago, I looked at my only pair of gym shoes peeling and worn and thought, “Wow, I really need to buy another pair.” Then the panic hit me. I hadn’t chosen a pair of gym shoes for myself in over 15 years.
My now ex-husband has impeccable fashion sense and style and is a “sneakerhead” and I was more than happy to allow him the chore of picking out my gym shoes when we were together. Our routine became him looking at my feet and saying, “You need some new gym shoes.” Me replying “ok”, and him picking them out and buying them. I trusted his taste and style.
Now fast forward to 6 months into our separation, and I’m sitting at my computer flipping through tons of pictures of shoes thinking, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I LIKE! That moment was both powerful and painful.
How many times did I beat myself into a mound of clay, ready to be molded into whatever I thought someone wanted me to be? How many times have I sent my personal representative of myself thinking she would be more readily accepted?
How many times did I replace my judgment with someone else? Trusting them, more than myself? Allowing some one to speak for me while I silence my inner voice.
What about who I wanted me to be? Who the hell am I and who do I want to be when I grow up? I was clueless. I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger.
I had defined myself by my degrees, by my title of wife and mom, by my position at work, by the material things that I owned. I allowed others to write the definition of me, but I had no idea who I was as a person.
How do you learn to be you after 39 years of pretending? You master your inner voice.
Well, I’m learning what I like and dislike. What I’m good at versus what I’m gifted at. (Whew, that is another blog I’m working on). Every day I get to know me a little better. Every day I grow to love me a little more than I did the day before. At times I still think I need to be clay because it was a comfortable habit, but now I also choose to be the Potter as well. Small steps lead to big changes.
And by the way, I love the gym shoes I choose and bought for me! They were the perfect choice
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